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Syaoransbear
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Name: No info
Country: Canada
State: Saskatchewan
Metro: Saskatoon
Gender: Female
Interests: I don't like birds, I simply crave affection that doesn't risk my self esteem or trust. Animals provide affection with no repercussions. Unfortunately I remain unsatisfied.
Occupation: Sales
Industry: Retail
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/27/2004
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| Most people have a way of destressing when they work. They come home and have something that just makes them forget about their job like shopping, the internet, tv, or even drugs.
I have nothing.
When I'm working, I don't stop thinking about working. The moment I start my shift I feel like every transaction and every fake smile I plaster on my face combined with a nonsensical 'Have a good day' just sucks my soul out a little bit more. I count the minutes down until my next break, and when I'm on my break I obsessively think about how much I don't want to go back to work. Then when my shift is done all I think about is when my next shift is and how I badly I don't want to go. In my dreams, I'm working, or dreading working. My mind is completely composed of the dread of work the moment I'm hired.
I don't do anything that destresses me. Even right now I'm writing about fucking work. I just want to find something that can make me unconscious while I work so I'm getting money but not even aware that I'm working so I can enjoy the hours that I don't work.
I just wish that when work ended, it actually ended.
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| Happy stuff, sad stuff, my eyes well up and I cry. When I was talking to the academic advisor I did my best to hold back crying and throwing a fit as she informed me that my university plans would not work out. The awkward conclusion ended up being, "You are not good at anything, and you are bad at math therefore you will never have a decent job." I felt like never returning to university ever again.
Throughout the conversation my eyes would tear up and fade, and I wear glasses now in hopes that nobody would notice just how much that happens. I'm not sure why I start crying when I feel something other than total neutrality. I'm probably just really emotionally unstable. I survived the bullying of grade school, and you'd think that would end up making me stronger and tougher. If anything I'm weaker and more vulnerable. A pinch feels like a gun wound.
Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to commit suicide back in elementary, and for some odd reason by not succeeding I'm destined to have this life where everything becomes sabotaged and nothing works out no matter how hard I try. As if, even though she is gone, life is trying to break me instead.
I am not pretty, I am not athletic, I am not smart, I am not social, and I have no talents.
So then.
Where am I supposed to go from here.
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| Okay so I might be getting a job, and I really, really need to try saving as much money as possible. I'm clearly a very materialistic person so I need money for stuff. My top things are
1. Nosejob, although I'm really not as interested in it as I once was. I'm just not sure what I would do if it was messed up, plus the pain of it scares me. Plus I'm so picky about noses. I can find flaws in like EVERY nose.
2. Horse. I want a fresian so badly. I like how far up my list this obsession has got even though I discovered them like 3 weeks ago while discussing zorro.
3. Trip to japan. I'd like this to come after my nosejob because I don't want japanese people making fun of me in japanese.
4. Move out. Moving out seems hard and expensive though, but maybe in april when that guy moves out of ty's house.
5. PAY OFF MY DAMN CAR. Ugh I hate how expensive this car is, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to go to university, move out, and make car payments.
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| I'll go ahead and admit I'm a gigantic prude and I have unachievable standards for people as well as contradictory ones. I think less of people who are sexually active, but I also make fun of virgins in my head. I don't even understand why.
I think less of people who have done drugs, despite the fact that I've done drugs.
Even though I'm aware that pretty much every man over 10 looks at pornography, I still think less of people who do.
I think less of people who go to bars every weekend and dance like they are having sex with an invisible person.
I think less of people who have sex with people they don't even know.
I think less of people who have cheat, even though I have cheated.
I think less of people who are religious.
But I also think less of people who are atheists.
I have less respect for people who I know have had abortions.
But I also has less respect for people that are against having abortions.
My brain is just filled with all these contradictions and high expectations that maybe I hate myself so much because there's so many things I've done that I'm morally against.
Hmm, this is sort of irrelevant to the topic.
Anyways, pornography is absolutely everywhere. Even on stupid little forums I go to there's half naked girls in the ads, and if you want to torrent something I sure hope you like pornography, because those sites are covered in it. I'm so fucking sick of seeing sex everywhere that I'm not even interested in sex. It's boring and trendy. Why would I want sex when it's all over my tv and monitor? I see it everyday. YAWN.
Indie kids everywhere should be anti-sex, because that's a pretty darn good way to be original.
It's just so annoying that instead of sex being something you do with someone you care about because you want to feel good and you want them to feel good, it's a competition. You gotta be better than the last partner and you gotta look better and be more ENTERTAINING than the porn they are looking at. When those kinds of thoughts are going through your head when you are having sex... how the hell are you supposed to find it enjoyable?
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| The less I do, the more people hate me. For the ones that don't blatantly hate me, they just drift away. I'm keeping my distance and waiting for 'someday' to happen, but it's not going to. And I'm having a tough time getting that through my tiny peanut head. I should have just pushed my way through instead of respecting people's feelings by staying away. Fuck that.
The boy in my biology class is right. If you are always an asshole, people remember the good things you've done. If you are always nice, people will only remember the bad things you've done.
I guess one mistake defines me as a person now.
People are silly.
Why am I getting worse.
I bet 5 years from now I'm going to be in the exact same place as I am now.
I am completely incapable of moving on.
Giving people time only gives them time to brood and get even MORE pissed at you. People get over stuff with change, not TIME. Time is fucking USELESS FOR EVERYTHING, AND THE ONLY THING WAITING DID WAS WASTE AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR.
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